


Klaus Hargreeves and How to Destroy the World in Three Clicks

by linettisetgo, NearlyNormal



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves is Alive, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Bisexual Everyone, Gen, Group chat, Humor, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Texting, except luther luther is a penis, klaus needs to be stopped
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-04-23 00:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linettisetgo/pseuds/linettisetgo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NearlyNormal/pseuds/NearlyNormal
Summary: Klaus Hargreeves creates a group chat. It goes excellently.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [danny devito](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=danny+devito).



> I'm writing again! I came up with this idea with my bro Hannah (NearlyNormal) and so naturally we both started writing it at the same time. Check out her bullshit if you want something that's similar but will definitely turn out differently.

**_numberone57_ created a new group chat: family**

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘family’ to: broskis**

 

allisonhargreeves_official: Klaus, don’t call it broskis.

stabbykraken: What the fuck is this

ghostgreeves: hahahah i forgot your name was stabbykraken

stabbykraken: I WAS HACKED

ghostgreeves: wow that’s such a mystery i wonder who did that

stabbykraken: HEY

                      HOW DO I TURN IT BACK

numberone57: How do you mute chats?  


deadoctopus: Klaus, I’m going to fucking kill you

5_2d32isao9: I agree with Allison. Please don’t call it “broskis”.

allisonhargreeves_official: How long did it take you to type that?  


ghostgreeves: askdfkfkdsksksk

numberone57: Are you dying?

ghostgreeves: no im gay

numberone57: What?  


                       Oh right it’s just a klaus joke

deadoctopus: Five, you need to change your name or your account’ll be deleted

stabbykraken: they’re going to think you’re a bot

5_2d32isao9: This was the first username available with ‘five’ in it.

deadoctopus: I guarantee you it was not

allisonhargreeves_official: Just change it to ‘fivehargreeves’.

It might be taken but please change it

deadoctopus: Do you know how? Because I also need to know

stabbykraken: KLAUS PLEASE HELP

ghostgreeves: the day i give up my secrets is the day i die

numberone57: that happened the other night

ghostgreeves: oh yeah!

                       and you left my corpse to go fuck that furry

deadoctopus: WHAT

allisonhargreeves_official: ???????

**The account ‘5_2d32isao9’ has been deleted due to suspicious activity.**

stabbykraken: lmao

ghostgreeves: I feel like we’re missing someone

numberone57: ?

                       no? it’s just family here

**_ghostgreeves_ added _vanya_violin_ to broskis**

vanya_violin: who let klaus call it broskis?

stabbykraken: oops

**_vanya_violin_ added _fivehargreevesuwu_ to broskis**

fivehargreevesuwu: Hello.

deadoctopus: …………..

stabbykraken: five what the fuck

ghostgreeves: imfuckin g pissing myself

allisonhargreeves_official: What’s funny?

fivehargreevesuwu: Klaus told me that this was a trendy name

numberone57: dad sent me to the moon

vanya_violin: hmm

ghostgreeves: HEHEHEHEHEHHEEEEEE I AM THE PRANK GOBLIN

deadoctopus: you’re a fucking moron

fivehargreevesuwu: Is it not a trendy name?  


ghostgreeves: Luther I need to tell you. ’numberone’ kind of looks like a type of pasta when it’s written down

                       I’m going to go sell oregano to 20-year-olds

deadoctopus: I’m going to stop him

numberone57: It does not look like pasta

                        KLAUS

 

 ****\-----------------------------

 

**numberone57 created a new group chat: family without vanya**

**_deadoctopus_ left the chat**

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**

numberone57: hey

**_stabbykraken_ left the chat**

numberone57: STOP IT

**_allisonhargreeves_official_ left the chat**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ left the chat**

numberone57: et tu allison

                        ugh

**_numberone57_ deleted the chat: family without vanya**

 

 ****\-------------------------

 

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘broskis’ to klaus and the machine**

allisonhargreeves_official: Stop it

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘klaus and the machine’ to ‘ra ra rasputin'**

**_deadoctopus_ changed the group chat ‘ra ra rasputin’ to ‘lover of the russian queen’**

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘lover of the russian queen’ to ‘there was a cat that r’**

**_deadoctopus_ changed the group chat ‘there was a cat that r’ to ‘eally was gone’**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ left the chat**

**_ghostgreeves_ added _fivehargreevesuwu_ to eally was gone**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ left the chat**

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘eally was gone’ to STAY HERE COWARD**

**_deadoctopus_ added _fivehargreevesuwu_ to STAY HERE COWARD**

ghostgreeves: stay here coward

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ left the chat**

**_allisonhargreeves_official_ added _fivehargreevesuwu_ to STAY HERE COWARD**

ghostgreeves: OHHHH

deadoctopus: WE HAVE POWER IN OUR CORNER NOW

stabbykraken: eudora’s deed

fivehargreevesuwu: Deed?

allisonhargreeves_official: Did this bitch really say deed

ghostgreeves: deed is what i am after that typo asksksksd 

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the name ‘STAY HERE COWARD’ to deed**

deadoctopus: guys

empathy

stabbykraken: shut up nerd

deadoctopus: WHAT

 

\----------------------

 

** PM -> deadoctopus **

ghostgreeves: can i borrow your leather jacket

deadoctopus: why?

ghostgreeves: The Art of Seduction

deadoctopus: no

ok you know how rats live in sewers

ghostgreeves: That’s where you should fucking live let me borrow the jacket

deadoctopus: and a pneumatic drill has a sound of about 102dB

                      and rats go cannibalistic when they hear sounds about 90dB

                      what happens when works are done in sewers????

ghostgreeves: rat vore uwu

deadoctopus: i’m going to go kill myself

ghostgreeves: you’d still have to talk to me

                      ben

                      ben

                      ben 

                      hey ben

                      ben

                      ben

deadoctopus: i’m muting you


	2. Chapter 2

ghostgreeves @ deed: who’s in my apartment

fivehargreevesuwu: Klaus, you have an apartment?

ghostgreeves: Yes

                       Where did you think I lived?

fivehargreevesuwu: I just assumed that you slept in a ditch

ghostgreeves: fuck u

allisonhargreeves_official: WHY IS THAT THE FOCUS KLAUS WHO IS IN YOUR APARTMENT

ghostgreeves: i’m sure it’s fine

allisonhargreeves_official: IT’S REALLY NOT

numberone57: Is everything ok here?

allisonhargreeves_official: CLEARLY IT ISN’T, LUTHER

numberone57: Oh

                        It’s about Klaus?

                        Sorry I have to go do some research about the moon

vanya_violin: It’s 3am

deadoctopus: It’s fine it’s me I'm in the klaus haus

vanya_violin: what the fuck

allisonhargreeves_official: …..

omg

ghostgreeves: VANYA SAID A SWEAR

vanya_violin: I’m a grown woman

fivehargreevesuwu: Vanya, I’m going to have to tell dad.

vanya_violin: HE’S DEAD  


 

————

 

**PM — > vanya_violin**

ghostgreeves: do u have a girlfriend yet

vanya_violin: What?  


ghostgreeves: typo

                       meant boyfriend

vanya_violin: Why do you need to know?  


ghostgreeves: because i want to know if she has a hot brother

                      *he

vanya_violin: …Why?

ghostgreeves: So I can fuck him owo

vanya_violin: ok wow

                     To answer your question no I do not

ghostgreeves: ooo let me help you find one

vanya_violin: I don’t really think that’s a good idea

ghostgreeves: It’ll be fun!!!!!!!!

vanya_violin: The number of exclamation points is sort of…

off-putting.

ghostgreeves: Please

vanya_violin: Just ask Allison.

ghostgreeves: FINE

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

allisonhargreeves_official: No

ghostgreeves: I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING YET OH MY GOD

 

———

 

ghostgreeves @ deed: it is time………to be sad

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘deed’ to time for SAD**

numberone57: Shut up Klaus, it’s 2am

ghostgreeves: You know that’s Klaus sad time!!!

stabbykraken: will me stabbing luther make you happier

ghostgreeves: yes

                       at least SOMEONE cares about me in this family

allisonhargreeves_official: Diego NO

stabbykraken: I just want to stab luther

                       I don’t care about you

ghostgreeves: love u too borther <333333333

                       thank u

stabbykraken: ..

                      WHY IS NO ONE CHANGING THE GROUP CHAT NAME FOR HIS TYPO

deadoctopus: klaus makes more typos than he says real words it’s too hard to keep up

                      why are you sad buddy

ghostgreeves: no one owns my uwus……………………

allisonhargreeves_official: ok I’m going to bed this is no longer concerning

stabbykraken: What does that even mean

deadoctopus: it means he’s a lonely bitch

stabbykraken: my ex-girlfriend just fucking died 

ghostgreeves: Excuse me i thought this was a safe space

fivehargreevesuwu: why would you ever think that

deadoctopus: five is starting to type like me???

                      anyway klaus why are you lonely

ghostgreeves: it really do be like that

stabbykraken: Why are you the way that you are?

deadoctopus: oh, like you can express emotions any better

 

———

 

**_ghostgreeves_ made a new group chat: klaus support group**

**_deadoctopus_ changed the group chat ‘klaus support group’ to support group**

stabbykraken: wtf

deadoctopus: let us support you

ghostgreeves: NO ONLY SUPPORT ME

deadoctopus: THAT’S NOT HOW A SUPPORT GROUP WORKS

stabbykraken: I don’t want support

ghostgreeves: yes u do

stabbykraken: i can’t believe eudora’s dead. She was so important to me and her death really was my fault. Every time I think about the last thing I said to her it just tears me up inside I’m fucking broken

ghostgreeves: f

deadoctopus: bro

ghostgreeves: maybe we need someone who knows how to deal with emotions

**_ghostgreeves_ added _vanya_violin_ to the chat**

vanya_violin: Death isn’t easy to deal with, and you’ve gone through a horrible loss that will probably stay with you forever. But the thing that you absolutely cannot do is take all of the blame for yourself. That kind of loss and that amount of guilt at the same time is going to be too much for you to deal with on your own, so reach out. Talk to people. Don’t just go through the loss; take it and deal with it and accept it, without holding onto it too hard.

stabbykraken: bruh

ghostgreeves: bruh

deadoctopus: bruh

ghostgreeves: how do i get boyfriend

**_vanya_violin_ left the chat**

ghostgreeves: H E Y

 

———

 

fivehargreevesuwu @ time for SAD: Who took my briefcase?  


stabbykraken: ?

                       ur 13 why u need a briefcase

fivehargreevesuwu: I need it back

SERIOUSLY WHO TOOK IT

IT’S IMPORTANT

ghostgreeves: hi. i think I made a mistake

fivehargreevesuwu: KLAUS WHAT DID YOU DO

ghostgreeves: good news 

                       I'm in love


	3. Chapter 3

fivehargreevesuwu: KLAUS

COME BACK RIGHT NOW

numberone57: This is all very interesting but I really think we should be investigating the moon rn

deadoctopus: What was in the briefcase?

fivehargreevesuwu: It’s a long story

To shorten it, Klaus is in the middle of the Vietnam War

deadoctopus: LENGTHEN IT

fivehargreevesuwu: No

Klaus, you need to come back

ghostgreeves: I can’t

fivehargreevesuwu: Just open the briefcase again, you’ll come back. 

ghostgreeves: I can’t come back

deadoctopus: Klaus you can’t stay in the motherfucking Vietnam War

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ added _ghostgreeves_ to the chat**

fivehargreevesuwu: FUCKING COME BACK, IDIOT

deadoctopus: language

fivehargreevesuwu: Fuck off

Klaus you need to get back here right now

deadoctopus: how is there phone service in the 70s

fivehargreevesuwu: There isn’t

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ added _ghostgreeves_ to the chat**

**Action failed**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ added _ghostgreeves_ to the chat**

**Action failed**

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ added _ghostgreeves_ to the chat**

**Action failed**

fivehargreevesuwu: Fucking dickballs on a bike

 

———

 

stabbykraken @ support group:I never thought i’d say this

I need klaus

deadoctopus: he’s in the vietnam war

stabbykraken: Well when’s he getting back

deadoctopus: i don’t fucking know what that bitch is doing

stabbykraken: Aren’t you always with him?

deadoctopus: what

stabbykraken: You know because you’re a ghost

deadoctopus: WHAT

**_deadoctopus_ changed their name to _benhargreeves_**

benhargreeves: I FIGURED IT OUT

**ERROR: Unknown**

**Admin _ghostgreeves_ ::DEFAULT PROTOCOL don’t try, demon: usernamechange _benhargreeves tentacleporn_**

stabbykraken: HAHAHAHHAH

tentacleporn: HUBRIS

OH GOD

I FORGOT KLAUS WAS AN ADMIN

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

stabbykraken: that’s fucking hilarious

tentacleporn: GIVE ME DEADOCTOPUS BACK PLEASE

**_tentacleporn_ changed their name to _deadoctopus_**

**ERROR: Unknown**

**Admin _ghostgreeves_ ::DEFAULT PROTOCOL you wish bitch: usernamechange _deadoctopus daddysfursuit_**

daddysfursuit: THIS ONE DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE

stabbykraken: my eyes are fucking burning

**_daddysfursuit_ changed their name to ANYTHINGBUTTHAT**

**ERROR: Unknown**

**Admin _ghostgreeves_ ::DEFAULT PROTOCOL it’s only going to get worse: usernamechange _daddysfursuit_ _xXgerardwayuwu69Xx_**

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: MOTHERFUCKER

 

———

 

vanya_violin @ time for SAD: Who is xXgerardwayuwu69Xx?

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: please don’t ask that question 

vanya_violin: Oh, it’s Ben

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: how did you know

vanya_violin: You’re the only one without auto-caps on 

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: :((((((

fivehargreevesuwu: No way

What is the xX Xx

Is that a hip new trend

What is gerardwayuwu

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

numberone57: Which one of you sent me a plastic model of the solar system

YOU GUYS KNOW I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS

GUYS

KLAUS WAS IT YOU

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: Klaus is in the vietnam war

numberone57: THEN WHO WAS IT

stabbykraken: What was the name on the package?  


numberone57: LUTHER 

Oh that says Linda

False alarm guys it’s for Linda’s baby

allisonhargreeves_official: When was Linda pregnant?

numberone57: 9 months ago

 

———

 

**PM — > stabbykraken**

 

ghostgreeves: Hi I need a ride

stabbykraken: Take the bus

ghostgreeves: don’t have any money

stabbykraken: Where are you

Do you actually need a ride or do you need an ambulance

Klaus

ghostgreeves: nvm I’m good I think my apartment’s near here

stabbykraken: Think??

                       Where are you

KLAUS

 

———

 

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx @ time for SAD: are you guys here?  


vanya_violin: I’m here

Why

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: not to be weird but I cannot find Anyone

stabbykraken: Same problem here

vanya_violin: I just thought it got quiet

**_ghostgreeves_ added _dave_ to the chat**

dave: Hello?

ghostgreeves: meet the broski team

stabbykraken: Klaus what did you do

KLAUS

fivehargreevesuwu: Klaus broke the world

He fucking broke the world

Man we thought vanya was a problem she’s got nothing on this idiot

ghostgreeves: :)

dave: I don’t think I understand what’s happening.

ghostgreeves: broski team this is my husband 

from the vietnam war

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: you gave someone in the 70s a phone?

KLAUS

ghostgreeves: I would have broken the world even more if I had stayed back there

Did you never see back to the future?

fivehargreevesuwu: stupid, foolish, silly, unintelligent, idiotic, brainless, mindless, scatterbrained, crackbrained, nonsensical, senseless, irresponsible, unthinking, ill-advised, ill-considered, inept, witless, damfool, unwise, injudicious, indiscreet, short-sighted; inane, absurd, ludicrous, ridiculous, laughable, risible, fatuous, asinine, pointless, meaningless, futile, fruitless, mad, insane, lunatic, crazy, dopey, cracked, half-baked, cock-eyed, hare-brained, nutty, potty, dotty, batty, derpy, barmy, gormless, cuckoo, loony, loopy, zany, screwy, off one's head, off one's trolley, out to lunch, daft, glaikit, half-assed. ANTONYMS sensible, prudent.

dave: I’m really hard to characterise I’ve had like one total line in the show

ghostgreeves: <3

vanya_violin: ????

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: They’re perfect for each other

dave: Klaus I think you told me about everyone except this one

Who is Gerard?

ghostgreeves: BEN WHY WOULD YOU KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR NAME

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: :(((

dave: That’s Ben?

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: this name is terrible i was only emo for 18 years

ghostgreeves: and you still are

eh it’s better than the next one

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx what’s the next one

ghostgreeves: yiffmedaddy17

xXgerardwayuwu69Xx: of course it is

dave: …

**_ghostgreeves_ changed _xXgerardwayuwu69Xx_ ’s name to _dannydevitoismyfather_**

dannydevitoismyfather: It’s time to go die

**_ghostgreeves_ changed _dannydevitoismyfather_ ’s name to _emoghost_**

emoghost: I’ll take it

fivehargreevesuwu: KLAUS

Who is Dave

ghostgreeves: that’s a surprise

fivehargreevesuwu: WE ALREADY HAD THE SURPRISE

emoghost: klaus WHAT DID YOU LEAVE ON MY DESK

ghostgreeves: a nice hot cup of coffee

emoghost: it’s cold

ghostgreeves: a nice cup of coffee

emoghost: it’s fucking awful

ghostgreeves: a cup of coffee

emoghost: it most definitely is not coffee

ghostgreeves: cup

emoghost: IT’S IN A BOWL

dave: Klaus why

fivehargreevesuwu: then why would you think it’s coffee

emoghost: THAT’S WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE BUT 

I DON’T KNOW

fivehargreevesuwu: ok now there are two mysteries

ghostgreeves: what’s the first one

fivehargreevesuwu: WE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE LEFT ON THE PLANET

ghostgreeves: what

emoghost: u fucked up

fivehargreevesuwu: I know you don’t want to but you have to take the phone back

ghostgreeves: I can’t

dave: Klaus, if you’ve actually broken time then you…might have to.

ghostgreeves: No I mean I literally can’t

I broke the briefcase

fivehargreevesuwu: WHAT

ghostgreeves: I knew you guys would make me take it back

numberone57: Guys, I think I’ve found someone who I’m truly in love with.

I met her online, her name’s Papá

ghostgreeves: ???????

                       her name is w h a t??????????

                       oh

what’s her last name

numberone57: A la Luna. 

ghostgreeves: Does she have middle names?  


numberone57: Yeah, Me Envió.

ghostgreeves: So her full name is Papá Me Envió a la Luna?

numberone57: Yes?

allisonhargreeves_official: Klaus, stop grilling him. I’m happy you found someone, Luther.


	4. Chapter 4

**PM — > stabbykraken**

ghostgreeves: I’m so glad u taught me spanish 

stabbykraken: ??

Oh just checked the group chat

Yeah he’s the dumbest person on the planet

ghostgreeves: I think he actually is because there are no other people on the planet except us right now

stabbykraken: Huh?

shit u right

ghostgreeves: Ye

Do you not even feel a little bit bad for this

stabbykraken: No

ghostgreeves: Yea me neither

Send me screenshots

stabbykraken: her profile pic is Snape from harry potter in a wig

ghostgreeves: WHAT

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

emoghost: is diego catfishing luther

ghostgreeves: ?

emoghost: you know his tinder gf

is that diego

ghostgreeves: Why do you ask

emoghost: because her name is ‘dad sent me to the moon’ in spanish

ghostgreeves: When did u learn spanish

emoghost: no I google translated it

i knew her first name was ‘dad’ so i did an Investigation

ghostgreeves: to answer your question yes he is

emoghost: how does he think he has a date there is literally no one else except us on the planet

ghostgreeves: idk man

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

stabbykraken: Here’s the screenshot

**{{PM — > numberone57**

numberone57: hi

alaluna: Hello big boy (ᵔᴥᵔ)

numberone57: hello 

alaluna: How are you?

numberone57: idk but how are you

alaluna: I’m doing well

numberone57: ok **}}**

ghostgreeves: wtaf

first of all ‘big boy’

second of all i’m going to throw up

stabbykraken: It is very hard to keep up a conversation with him

ghostgreeves: Oh man luther

Should we maybe help him?  


stabbykraken: …

 

———

 

**_ghostgreeves_ made a new group chat: how to date**

stabbykraken: We made a powerpoint

numberone57: ???? what???

stabbykraken: **attachment::romanceadvice.pdf**

**_numberone57_ opened the attachment romanceadvice.pdf**

 

**HOW TO BE GOOD WITH GIRLS by LOVE MASTER KLAUS HARGREEVES and also diego**

 

**STEP ONE: Keep the fucking conversation going, you idiot.**

**Don’t give dry responses like ‘k’, ‘idk’, ‘wbu’, ‘wyd’, pretty much any acronym**

**STEP TWO: Tell her about your hobbies! Think up fun and interesting date ideas, like stargazing, going to a planetarium, or to the Moon where dad sent you uwu**

**STEP THREE: wear a mask so she can’t see your fucking face**

**STEP FOUR: Come to your Beloved Brother Klaus, the Angel of Fashion. You dress like an ageing geography teacher**

**STEP FIVE: Throw knives. It’s sexy**

**STEP SIX: Inform her that you are a monkey man! She Needs to Know!**

**STEP SEVEN: After Klaus puts you in a godawful outfit, unwear it and wear a leather outfit instead.**

**STEP EIGHT: how dare you**

**STEP NINE: you dress like an idiot**

**STEP TEN: No I do NOT I DRESS LIKE AN ICON**

**STEP ELEVEN: You dress like Boy George on crack**

**STEP TWELVE: THAT IS A COMPLIMENT**

**STEP THIRTEEN: it is NOT**

**STEP FOURTEEN: YES IT IS**

**STEP FIFTEEN: YOUR EYELINER IS BAD**

**STEP SIXTEEN: HOW FUCKING DARE Y**

 

**_numberone57_ closed the attachment romanceadvice.pdf**

**_numberone57_ left the chat**

ghostgreeves: lmao

stabbykraken: How much do you bet he’s going to use it?

ghostgreeves: I bet he screenshotted it

hang on i need 2 do something

**_ghostgreeves_ added _vanya_violin_ to the chat**

**_vanya_violin_ opened the attachment romanceadvice.pdf**

**_vanya_violin_ closed the attachment romanceadvice.pdf**

vanya_violin: I feel like this doesn’t really apply to me, guys

ghostgreeves: oops I should’ve changed the ‘she’ to ‘he’

vanya_violin: No, I mean because I’m not a ‘monkey man’.

ghostgreeves: o yeah

We’llmake a new one you can leave this chat now

**_vanya_violin_ left the chat**

stabbykraken: WAIT DID VANYA JUST COME OUT TO US

ghostgreeves: WAIT FUCK SHIT BITCH

 

———

 

**PM — > vanya_violin**

ghostgreeves: YOU’RE GAY  
****

vanya_violin: That isn’t how this works

ghostgreeves: I’M GAY

BUT IMAGINE YOU SAID THAT

vanya_violin: uh

ghostgreeves: ben is bad at hiding ket

vanya_violin: KLAUS

 

———

 

fivehargreevesuwu @ time for SAD: Klaus, I feel like we need to talk about the fact that you broke the world.

vanya_violin: I doubt he’ll reply I think he found the ketamine

fivehargreevesuwu: Shit

Ben, you fucking idiot.

emoghost: HEY IT’S NOT MY FAULT

fivehargreevesuwu: It literally is exactly your fault.

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ changed the group chat ‘time for SAD’ to ‘Ben sucks.’**

emoghost: somehow the full stop makes it more hurtful

ghostgreeves: I’M NOT ON KET

fivehargreevesuwu: Sure you aren’t, buddy.

ghostgreeves: I’M NOT

I don’t need it any more

emoghost: ????????

dave: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE CAPITAL LETTERS. I AM SORRY I’M NOT TRYING TO YELL AT YOU. THIS IS TOTALLY BOGUS TO THE MAX

ghostgreeves: :))))

fivehargreevesuwu: Well, that’s a disgusting sentiment.

emoghost: that is disgusting. i am going to go throw myself into a lake

ghostgreeves: Then you’d truly be living up to your username

numberone57: I don't understand?

                       Oh. He finally has a friend so he doesn't need to do drugs?

emoghost: a f r i e n d

numberone57: ?

dave: SERIOUSLY, KLAUS, WILL YOU PLEASE HLEP ME

OH NO I DIDN’T MEAN TO WRITE ‘HLEP’

I MEANT HELP

fivehargreevesuwu: Aha. My technological knowledge is superior.

stabbykraken: Five, you have ‘uwu’ after your name and you think it’s cool, shut the fuck up

fivehargreevesuwu: Is it not cool?

Diego, what do you mean

DIEGO

I must go

stabbykraken: oops

Hey Dave tell me about yourself then

…

dave

Is Klaus with you? did he help you with the keyboard 

yeah they’re fucking never mind

numberone57: what

fivehargreevesuwu: THEY'RE IN A DIFFERENT PLACE IN TIME HOW COULD THEY BE FUCKING

emoghost: life finds a way

fivehargreevesuwu: WHAT

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

stabbykraken: bro I need to talk to you

ghostgreeves: hangogn busy give me 30minsute

stabbykraken: don’t want to know

SINCE WHEN DOES 30 MINUTES MEAN THREE HOURS YOU DICK

ghostgreeves: ok all good what u need

stabbykraken: I have a question

I drank soy milk

ghostgreeves: ….ok

stabbykraken: does it make you gay

ghostgreeves: WHAT

DIEGO WAHT

stabbykraken: I accidentally bought soy milk and I drank it and then I read something that says it makes you gay

ghostgreeves: I don’t even

stabbykraken: because it has estrogen in it

ghostgreeves: I really really want to make fun of you right now but no soy milk does not make you gay

stabbykraken: ok nvm

ghostgreeves: have you caught gay disease????

diego????

what prompted this??????

stabbykraken: Nah it’s fine leave it 

You want to talk about motorcycles and beer

ghostgreeves: dude

having gay thoughts doesn’t make u gay but if you are it’s not a bad thing

stabbykraken: I’m not gay I loved eudora that means i’m straight and if soy milk doesn't make u gay then i'm all good

ghostgreeves: Girl you know you can be bi right?? liking a girl doesn’t necessarily mean ur straight

stabbykraken: wtf is that

ghostgreeves: it’s 2019 how have you never heard of bisexuality

stabbykraken: WHAT

ghostgreeves: It’s when you like both girls and boys

stabbykraken: YOU CAN LIKE BOTH OF THEM

ghostgreeves: ya

stabbykraken: HOLY SHIT BRO 

yeah I’m doing that

ghostgreeves: I thought this was going to be harder for you??????

stabbykraken: NAH MAN I’M GOING TO GO GET SOME 

ghostgreeves: :’)))))) my son has grown up so fast

stabbykraken: I’m your brother

by the way what’s your deal are you gay or what

ghostgreeves: I am a sexy motherfucker is what i am

stabbykraken: you are not

ghostgreeves: yes i am

i am everything uwu

stabbykraken: stabbykraken left the chat

ghostgreeves: DIEGO THIS IS A PM YOU CAN’T LEAVE THE CHAT

stabbykraken: fuk

                      Hey are we ever going to address the 'you broke the world thing' or

ghostgreeves: who

stabbykraken: You

ghostgreeves: who

stabbykraken: Klaus

ghostgreeves: Sorry I have a doctor's appointment

stabbykraken: You don't go to the doctor

                       KLAUS


	5. Chapter 5

ghostgreeves @ Ben sucks.: I have a question

numberone57: Oh god

ghostgreeves: I forgot the fucking question

Oh my god this is the worst thing to ever happen to me

Holy fuck

emoghost: klaus your father literally emotionally abused you for your entire childhood

ghostgreeves: I HAVE NO REGRETS

im gonna go text dave

fivehargreevesuwu: Your entire body is made of mistakes.

ghostgreeves: <333333

 

———

 

**PM — > emoghost**

ghostgreeves: do you have any other friends except me

emoghost: of course i do klaus

ghostgreeves: oh yeah

what are their names

emoghost: Jake, Amy, Gina, Raymond, Rosa, Charles, the list goes on

ghostgreeves: Are you listing brooklyn nine-nine characters

Ben

emoghost: no

                 Doug Judy is also one of my friends

ghostgreeves: ok

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

fivehargreevesuwu: What does PM stand for?

ghostgreeves: Post Man

fivehargreevesuwu: What?

ghostgreeves: There’s a little postman taking your messages from your phone to mine

fivehargreevesuwu: Ah

You don’t have to tip him, do you?  


ghostgreeves: no he’s paid a very generous wage

fivehargreevesuwu: Thank God

Anyway, we need to talk about the broken world thing

ghostgreeves: Can’t you just go back in time and fix it?  


fivehargreevesuwu: Do you remember the last time I tried to time travel, Four? Do you? How did that go for me?

ghostgreeves: I’m going to be honest no i do not remember but judging by your tone of text it was bad

fivehargreevesuwu: You’re a fucking idiot

ghostgreeves: u know it baby

fivehargreevesuwu: Where did you leave the briefcase? Maybe I can fix it

ghostgreeves: It was a compromise even coming back here at all

fivehargreevesuwu: You should have just fucking stayed there 

Why did you come back?  


ghostgreeves: ben

fivehargreevesuwu: You don’t even like him that much you guys argue all the time

ghostgreeves: Yeah I guess

It’s in Stanley Park

fivehargreevesuwu: Stanley Park?

Like Stanley Park in Vancouver Stanley Park?

Or in Liverpool?

Or in Massachusetts?

ghostgreeves: Why do you know so many Stanley Parks

Vancouver

fivehargreevesuwu: WHY WERE YOU IN CANADA

YOU WERE IN THE VIETNAM WAR HOW DID YOU GET TO CANADA

ghostgreeves: swam

fivehargreevesuwu: SWAM?

S W A M?

YOU SWAM

YOU SWAM TO VANCOUVER

THERE’S NO RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS KLAUS

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

stabbykraken: Were you in Canada when you asked me for a lift

ghostgreeves: I don’t know who Canada is

stabbykraken: ‘who’???

oh christ

ghostgreeves: lol

stabbykraken: But were you

ghostgreeves: no

stabbykraken: Yeah that’s definitely a lie klaus you said your apartment was close how did you get home

ghostgreeves: walked

stabbykraken: WHAT

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

vanya_violin: Why did you tell Diego you walked from Canada?  


ghostgreeves: funny

you didn’t tell him you drove me did you

vanya_violin: No, but I feel bad now

ghostgreeves: PLEASE DON’T

vanya_violin: I won’t if you tell me how you actually got to Canada from Vietnam.

ghostgreeves: swam

vanya_violin: That isn’t possible, Klaus

…

Seriously?

I’m going to ask Ben he’ll know

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

emoghost: did you swim to Canada from Vietnam again

ghostgreeves: Tom daley got nothing on me

emoghost: he’s a diver you fucking buffoon

ghostgreeves: That’s the only swim guy I know

Wait there’s that one that americans are obsessed with

emoghost: Michael Phelps

YOU ARE AMERICAN

ghostgreeves: That’s the bitch

emoghost: KLAUS YOU ARE AMERICAN

ghostgreeves: Yeah but the author isn’t so she had to google ‘good american swimmer’

emoghost: i’ve been staring at that text for like five minutes and I still have no idea what it means

ghostgreeves: Don’t worry about it

i’m fast boy

emoghost: you’re dumb boy

ghostgreeves: Want to watch great british bake off with me

emoghost: that’s such a dumb show klaus why would I want to

also yes i do where are you

ghostgreeves: Utah

emoghost: WHY ARE YOU IN UTAH

ghostgreeves: Wanted to see Mormon the Musical

To meet the main character, Mormon

emoghost: MORMON THE MUSICAL?????????

DO YOU MEAN THE BOOK OF MORMON

THE MAIN CHARACTER IS NOT CALLED ‘MORMON’ KLAUS THAT’S A RELIGION

ghostgreeves: Who

emoghost: HOW DID YOU GET TO UTAH

ghostgreeves: swam

emoghost: don’t say swam it’s landlocked

GODDAMMIT KLAUS

ghostgreeves: Vanya drove me

emoghost: Oh god poor vanya

                 Why did she drive you? Don't you get diego to drive you places  


ghostgreeves: i thought she would want to see mormon the musical with me

emoghost: IT'S NOT CALLED MORMON THE MUSICAL

 

———

 

**PM — > numberone57**

vanya_violin: Hello, will you please come pick us up we are in Utah and my car got stolen

numberone57: No but i can put you in a cage bunker for no apparent reason

vanya_violin: Luther please come help us

**{Seen 2.39am}**

 

———

 

**PM — > stabbykraken**

ghostgreeves: i’m in utah help

stabbykraken: On my way! 

ghostgreeves: Someone’s excited to come to mormonland

stabbykraken: fuck

*On my way!

NO

**omw

ghostgreeves: lmao

stabbykraken: autocorrect why must you ruin my cool collected aesthetic

Oh mom made cookies would you like some they have rainbows on them

ghostgreeves: yes

stabbykraken: cool see you in one million hours

 

———

 

**PM — > allisonhargreeves_official**

fivehargreevesuwu: Where’s the GameCube?

That’s cutting-edge technology Allison I never got to try it where the hell is it

allisonhargreeves_official: I don’t know it might be in the attic

fivehargreevesuwu: What about the N64?

WHERE IS IT ALLISON

allisonhargreeves_official: I don’t know

fivehargreevesuwu: W H E R E ‘ ST H ES N E S

ALLISON WHERE’S THE SNES

allisonhargreeves_official: Why do you need it so badly?

fivehargreevesuwu: I STILL NEED TO BEAT KLAUS AT STREET FIGHTER II

allisonhargreeves_official: Five he always plays as E Honda you will literally always lose

fivehargreevesuwu: BUT I HAVE A PLAN TO PLAY AS E HONDA AS WELL 

I’ve been thinking about it for 45 years

If I ALSO play as E Honda, it’ll be an even playing field

allisonhargreeves_official: You already tried that

Remember? You couldn’t figure how to do the hundred hand slap so klaus won

                                         Is this the only thing you're passionate about?

fivehargreevesuwu: God fucking dammit.

I’M STILL GOING TO DO IT. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH THE APOCALYPSE.

allisonhargreeves_official: Oh yeah, the apocalypse. Weren’t we meant to do something about that?

fivehargreevesuwu: It’s fine.

I need to beat Klaus first.

Where is he, actually?  


allisonhargreeves_official: Utah

fivehargreevesuwu: WHY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't seen e honda do the hundred hand slap in street fighter ii please watch a youtube video or something it's the funniest goddamn thing i've ever seen in my life i used to play as e honda every time and D E S T R O Y him even though i'm the literal worst at video games


	6. Chapter 6

ghostgreeves @ Ben sucks.: update more like upLATE amirite

fivehargreevesuwu: There is going to be a battle the likes of which we have never seen.

vanya_violin: Are you talking about the apocalypse? Because I feel like we might need to start focusing on that.

ghostgreeves: Maybe it’ll sort itself out

fivehargreevesuwu: No it definitely will not we need to do something about it but

Street Fighter II

ghostgreeves: Oh memories

r u going to play as balrog again he sucks

fivehargreevesuwu: NO

I’M GOING TO PLAY AS KEN

ghostgreeves: …Ken

fivehargreevesuwu: I have spent YEARS formulating this plan

vanya_violin: No he didn’t he spent years coming up with a plan that he forgot he already tried

ghostgreeves: SNITCHES GET STITCHES VANYA

anyway I’ll be back from Utah in like 15 minutes

**_emoghost_ changed the group chat ‘Ben sucks.’ to i’m a sensitive boy**

ghostgreeves: h

vanya_violin: Uhh

fivehargreevesuwu: What the fuck?

I’m going to change it.

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ locked the group chat name. **

stabbykraken: Klaus is sobbing in the back of my car

TELL ME WHY

ghostgreeves: Ain’t nothing but a heartache

stabbykraken: KLAUS. TELL ME WHY

vanya_violin: …Ain’t nothing but a mistake

stabbykraken: PLEASE VANYA WHY

ghostgreeves: I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY

emoghost: diego STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING

ghostgreeves: I W A N T I T T H TA T W A Y

Oh that too I guess

emoghost: KLAUS WHY DID YOU LOCK THE GROUP CHAT NAME

ghostgreeves: BECAUSE THAST THE FUCNIEST GOUP CHA NAME

fivehargreevesuwu: **SPOTIFY PLAYLIST: Number Five’s Play List.**

I didn’t mean to send that

How do you undo send

**ghostgreeves** **opened playlist Number Five’s Play List**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**The Winner Takes It All - ABBA**

**Apocalypse Please - Muse**

**Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden**

**Take On Me - A-ha**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls**

**ghostgreeves closed playlist Number Five’s Play List**

ghostgreeves: …

emoghost: …

vanya_violin: Well that brought the mood down

dave: Everyone likes the weather girls

emoghost: Stop showing dave songs that he’s not meant to know

ghostgreeves: If you think he’s missing out on A N Y of the good radiohead songs you're WRONG, BUCKO

 

———

 

**PM — > vanya_violin**

ghostgreeves: i forgot how to read and dave snet me a letter will you read it for me

vanya_violin: Aw Klaus

You don’t have to make up an excuse to hang out, you’re my brother 

ghostgreeves: .n

you don’t understand

vanya_violin: HOW DO YOU FORGET HOW TO READ

 

———

 

numberone57 @ i’m a sensitive boy: I have some good news guys, me and Papá are now going steady :)

stabbykraken: So you no longer want to fuck your own sister

numberone57: .

Sorry, I think my phone glitched out could you send the message again

stabbykraken: SO YOU DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOUR SISTER ANYMORE???

numberone57: No it’s not working 

It must be the reception where I am.

 

———

 

**PM — > stabbykraken**

ghostgreeves: s’end m he screenshots bröther

stabbykraken: Every time I talk to you my eyes melt a little more

**{{ PM — > numberone57**

alaluna: hey there big boy

do you ever think about if there was life on other planets

numberone57: I was on the moon for many years

Also I am a monkey person

alaluna: ok

numberone57: iwas S P LI C E D

alaluna: big boy has someone taken your phone

numberone57: Sorry. My dumbass fucking brother took my phone.

alaluna: No problem owo ^^

numberone57: do you want to be my girlfriend

alaluna: Yes

numberone57: ok

Do you want to meet me for dinner next week?

alaluna: Sounds good big boy **}}**

ghostgreeves: how are you doing hthis

stabbykraken: Actually yeah i was going to ask you

Do you know any girls

ghostgreeves: Yes but no one else is on the planet rn

stabbykraken: Ok

Have you ever been in drag

ghostgreeves: THAT i can help with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back probably


	7. Chapter 7

ghostgreeves @ I’m a sensitive boy: What day is it

dave: Tuesday

ghostgreeves: Is that in your time or my time

dave: Oh.

It’s in mine. 

ghostgreeves: ok hashtag whatevs

stabbykraken: I was going to ignore this but I came here specifically to tell you to never say  ‘hashtag whatevs’ ever again

It’s wednesdya

ghostgreeves: wednesdya

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ unlocked the group chat name.**

stabbykraken: Wednesday

**_ghostgreeves_ changed the group chat ‘I’m a sensitive boy’ to wednesdya**

stabbykraken: FFS KLAUS IT’S ONE TYPO

dave: Hahahah wednesdya

fivehargreevesuwu: Wednesdya. I am laughing out loud right now. Which is saying a lot, considering I haven’t laughed in  60 years.

dave: You haven’t laughed in 60 years?

emoghost: lmao diego learn to type

allisonhargreeves_official: WEDNESDYA

stabbykraken: I’M GOING TO GO KILL MYSELF

ENJOY HAVING THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE

emoghost: ok have fun

he’s not going to actually kill himself right

allisonhargreeves_official: I’m going to go check on him just in case

Yep he’s fine go back to making fun of him

ghostgreeves: **SPOTIFY PLAYLIST: wednesdya**

**emoghost opened playlist wednesdya**

**Diego - tory Lanez**

**Sucks - Angelo Mota**

**emoghost closed playlist wednesdya**

stabbykraken: ……..

tip: i am so fucking mad

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**

**{Admin changed.}**

stabbykraken: WHY DID HE LEAVE

emoghost: MORE IMPORTANTLY

who’s the admin

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _numberone57_ changed _stabbykraken_ ’s username to _b_**

b: WHAT

WHY DID YOU CHANGE IT TO B

numberone57: how do you work this 

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _numberone57_ set the group chat jingle to : _Danger! High Voltage (Soulchild Radio Mix)_ by _Electric Six_**

numberone57: WHAT??

I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT!

WHAT IS A GROUP CHAT JINGLE???

emoghost:it.

it’s the song that plays every time you come into the group chat luther

numberone57: WHAT

emoghost: YOU HAD TO CHOOSE IT FROM YOUR LIBRARY HOW DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND

numberone57: THAT’S THE ONLY SONG I HAVE 

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

emoghost: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

ghostgreeves: to watch the world burn

emoghost: that’s fair

wanna play mario kart

ghostgreeves: YES AS LONG AS I GET TOAD

emoghost: NO ONE WANTS TOAD HE SUCKS

ghostgreeves: SHUT UP I LOVE HIM

emoghost: consider this: maybe you’re just gay

ghostgreeves: .

maybe

emoghost: please get the group chat to stop playing danger high voltage i can only hear that sax solo so many times

 

———

 

**_ghostgreeves_ entered the chat: wednesdya**

**{Admin changed.}**

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ set the group chat jingle to : _Uptown Girl_ by _Billie Joel_**

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**

**{Admin changed.}**

emoghost: THANK GOD

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _stabbykraken_ set the group chat jingle to : _Sweet Victory (As Heard on “SpongeBob Squarepants”)_ by _David Glen Eisley_**

emoghost: THE NEW ADMIN IS DIEGO

NO WHY

WHY IS IT THE SPONGEBOB SONG

stabbykraken: Fuck

I didn’t realise it would TELL YOU IT’S SPONGEBOB IT’S AN AWESOME SPONGE

SONG

I MEANT SONG

emoghost: hahahahahah

are you a little sponge boy

you’re a little sponge boy diego aren’t you

stabbykraken: SHUT HTE FUCK UP DIEGO

emoghost: DID YOU JUST CALL ME DIEGO

THAT IS YOUR OWN NAME

WHAT HE FUCK

stabbykraken: NO

emoghost: are you high?

stabbykraken: no

**_emoghost_ changed the group chat ‘wednesdya’ to ‘high little sponge boy’**

numberone57: What is a spongebob

Sponge

**_ADMIN PRIVILEGE: stabbykraken_ changed _numberone57’s_ username to _isuck9182_**

isuck9182: I do not suck 

Please help me

I do not suck

digo

**Admin _ghostgreeves_ ::DEFAULT PROTOCOL diego sucks as an admin useradd**

**_ghostgreeves_ added _ghostgreeves_ to the chat**

**{Admin change.}**

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ removed the chat jingle**

ghostgreeves: ah. the world breaks down without me i see

isuck9182: Pleas help me

emoghost: did you just add YOURSELF to a group chat you are not in

                 maybe i'm the high one

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ changed _isuck9812_ ’s username to _numberone57_**

stabbykraken: You could’ve changed it to something funnier?

ghostgreeves: girl how do you not appreciate the pure comedic gold that is someone calling themselves ‘number one’ but having to add numbers after it because the name was taken and he was in fact number 58

stabbykraken: h

ghostgreeves: in other news i’ve started to say ‘rekt’ again

**_stabbykraken_ left the chat**

**_numberone57_ left the chat**

**_vanya_violin_ left the chat**

**_allisonhargreeves_official_ left the chat**

**_emoghost_ left the chat**

ghostgreeves: guys

**_dave_ left the chat**

ghostgreeves: WHAT

**_fivehargreevesuwu_ left the chat**

ghostgreeves: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT REKT MEANS

**_ghostgreeves_ named the group chat ‘little sponge boy’ to people who like klaus**

ghostgreeves: i am a bad bittch and no one can stop me

**_ghostgreeves_ left the chat**


	8. Chapter 8

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

stabbykraken: You free tomorrow at 6pm

ghostgreeves: think so why

stabbykraken: It’s your hot date with your own brother!!!

White Spot

ghostgreeves: what

isn’t that canadian

stabbykraken: Yes you’re going to vancouver

ghostgreeves: WHY

stabbykraken: I once dated a guy from vancouver so it’s the only region of canada i know about

ghostgreeves: when was this????

it can’t be recently we’re the only people on the planet

stabbykraken: Yeah it was like three years ago. I thought we were just bros but in retrospect we were definitely not

ghostgreeves: ..how so

stabbykraken: We lived together for about a year. Used to get drunk and make out but I thought it was like in a haha we’re bros no homo way. He used to make me pancakes every saturday and i met his parents. 

klaus?

ghostgreeves: I don’t even

what happened???????

stabbykraken: caught him making out with you

ghostgreeves: .

what

stabbykraken: You know

Kind of short, brown hair, eyebrow piercing

ghostgreeves: THAT WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND OH NO OH FUCK

stabbykraken: Yes but I didn’t actually know at the time

So you didn’t break the bro code

ghostgreeves: I still feel bad???

BUT IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND WHY DID YOU BREAK UP

stabbykraken: we didn’t break up i just said ‘hey man it’s gonna be awkward having my roommate fucking my brother’ and he just looked really confused and agreed to move out

ghostgreeves: HOW DID YOU NOT REALISE YOU WERE DATING

stabbykraken: unclear

ghostgreeves: DIEGO

stabbykraken: Anyway you’re going to vancouver

I’m going to give you my phone so you know what her personality is like. Don’t change anything

ghostgreeves: o k :))))))))

stabbykraken: that was not a trustworthy ‘ok’

ghostgreeves: everything is fine :)))))) I am trustworthy :)))))))

stabbykraken: I’ll leave it in your apartment. By the way you need window locks

ghostgreeves: Wait you’re in my apartment??? I’m in my apartment

ghostgreeves: **attachment:image**

**(diego, eating peanut butter straight from the jar in a place that is not his house)**

stabbykraken: i literally can’t tell if this is smooth or crunchy

ghostgreeves: it’s smunchy i got it from my weed dealer mikey 

stabbykraken: what

 

———

 

**PM — > emoghost**

stabbykraken: **attachment:video**

**(klaus, in an extremely cheap wig, eight kilograms of makeup, and his normal clothes, and luther, in a suit, in a deserted White Spot)**

**Klaus: “I want a fucking pirate meal. Where are the waiters?”**

**Diego, hushed, from behind the camera: “Do better!”**

**Klaus: “Hello, big boy.”  
**

**_Luther chuckles awkwardly._ **

**Luther: “Is this a traditional Cuban restaurant? I’m glad you brought me here.”**

**Klaus: “Yes, that is something that I told you. I…am a Cuban-Canadian woman.”**

**Luther: “It’s so good to see you in person.”**

**Klaus: “It’s good to see you too…big boy.”**

**Klaus, hushed: “I’m going to pass out, Diego.”**

**Luther: “What?”**

**Klaus: “Oh, nothing. I’m definitely not wearing an earpiece.”**

**Luther: “Yes you are. They’re very nice, by the way.”**

**_Luther gestures at Klaus’ earrings._ **

**Klaus: “I’m in love with you!”  
**

**_Luther pauses._ **

**Luther: “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”  
**

**Klaus: “OH thank god.”  
**

**Luther: “You’re great, but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.”**

**Diego, loudly: “ACT SAD!”**

**Klaus: “LOVE OF MY LIFE, NO! HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME THIS WAY?”**

**Diego, louder: “NOT THAT SAD!”**

**Klaus: “Oh…no?”**

**Luther: “I’m sorry. Uhh, I think I should go…”**

**(Diego accidentally moves the camera, revealing that he is sitting in a large fish tank, in plain sight of the other two. Neither of them seem to have noticed him.)**

**Klaus: …**

**Klaus: Bye? Good? Goodbye?**

**(Luther waves and exits the restaurant. Vanya appears to be his ride to the restaurant.)**

**[End]**

emoghost: …..,,,,,,,

emoghost: .yeah. ok

emoghost: i didn’t want to watch that

stabbykraken: KLAUS FUCKED IT UP I’M SO MAD

emoghost: i don’t

he

stabbykraken: I’M GOING TO KILL THAT BOY

emoghost: why were you in a fish tank?  


stabbykraken: I was allowed to

emoghost: where did the food come from?  


stabbykraken: Pete made it

emoghost: who the fuck is pete 

diego

stabbykraken: Pete’s Pete man idk what to tell you

emoghost: DIEGO WE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET

stabbykraken: . that’s fine it’s fine

emoghost: NO?????????

 

———

 

**PM — > fivehargreevesuwu**

emoghost: WHO THE FUCK IS PETE

fivehargreevesuwu: He’s Pete.

emoghost: WHY IS HE ON EARTH

fivehargreevesuwu: Where is this hatred for Pete coming from?

emoghost: NO I MEAN KLAUS FUCKED EVERYTHING UP REMEMBER

fivehargreevesuwu: Oh, yeah. I should probably fix that. 

emoghost: BUt PETE

 

———

 

**PM — > dave**

fivehargreevesuwu: Dave, I need to ask you a favour.

dave: Hello, Five.

fivehargreevesuwu: In giving you that phone, Klaus has fucked our world up beyond belief. i need you to destroy it.

dave: I thought you might say that…

fivehargreevesuwu: I know it might be bad without Klaus but to be honest one of you is going to die first anyway so who’s counting?

                              Being the harbinger of the apocalypse doesn’t seem like your type of deal, anyway.

dave: I’ll do it

fivehargreevesuwu: Thanks

 

———

 

**_ghostgreeves_ created a new group chat: WHERE THE FUCK IS DAVE**

fivehargreevesuwu: Who’s Dave?

ghostgreeves: so this is Y O U R doing

fivehargreevesuwu: But that was a very inconspicuous message!

**ADMIN PRIVILEGE: _ghostgreeves_ removed _fivehargreevesuwu_ from the group**

**The account ‘fivehargreevesuwu’ has been deleted due to suspicious activity.**

emoghost: klaus how did you even do that

ghostgreeves: >:(

                      he stole my boyfriend

stabbykraken: W h a t

                      He’s like twelve

ghostgreeves: I MEAN HE FIXED THE WORLD

allisonhargreeves_official: Oh. Good job Five

ghostgreeves: HE’S NOT HERE I BANISHED HIM FROM THE MORTAL REALM FOR HIS TREACHERY 

allisonhargreeves_official: …

**_allisonhargreeves_official_ added _xXfivehargreevesuwubeanXx_ to the chat**

emoghost: …………………………….

stabbykraken: I am so upset

ghostgreeves: I was going to be angry at allison for being a traitor but maybe this is better

xXfivehargreevesuwubeanXx: Klaus, I know you’re upset, but no one in this family makes good fucking coffee.

                                              Except Pete.

ghostgreeves: Ah, Pete

emoghost: F U C K IN G PE T E

ghostgreeves: WAIT DOES THIS MEAN THAT PEOPLE ARE BACK

emoghost: i guess

numberone57: Yes, Linda’s back

ghostgreeves: I NEED TO FIND MIKEY

stabbykraken: Oh the smunchy guy

                       Yeah I need to find him too I can’t stop thinking about it

allisonhargreeves_official: ?????????????????????????????????????

vanya_violin: Oh…smunchy.

emoghost: fucking

                  I had almost forgotten about it

 

———

 

**PM — > mikey9**

stabbykraken: Hey man I need the shit

mikey9: What

             You can’t just say you need the shit I’ve never met you in my life

stabbykraken: the smunchy shit

mikey9: oh

             Yeah you got it man

             How am I getting it to you, FedEx or should I send my pigeon

stabbykraken: hahah

                       pigeon

mikey9: Yeah my pigeon

             Father gifted it to me as a child

stabbykraken: what

mikey9: Do you want it or not?

stabbykraken: damn

                       just give it to klaus and tell him the smunchy’s for diego

mikey9: ok that’ll be $45

stabbykraken: FOR SOME PEANUT BUTTER

mikey9: Yes

stabbykraken: DAMN fine I’ll cashapp you

mikey9: Fine say it’s payback for taco bell

stabbykraken: You got it

                       Wait I can’t

                       I can’t have people thinking I spent $45 at taco bell

mikey9: You just spent $45 on peanut butter and somehow taco bell is worse

stabbykraken: the cash will be with klaus

mikey9: Fine

             Good day sir

 

———

 

**PM — > ghostgreeves**

stabbykraken: THAT IS THE WEIRDEST DRUG DEALER I’VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE

ghostgreeves: Oh you talked to mikey

He’s great right

stabbykraken: He talks like a British lord

ghostgreeves: Well he’s Scottish so you are technically right

                       But you are wrong because I know you weren't thinking about a Scottish man

stabbykraken: HE USES FEDEX TO SELL DRUGS YOU CAN'T DO THAT THEY SNIFF THEM

                       Where do you meet these people

ghostgreeves: He's never been caught it’s fine

stabbykraken: It is NOT

 

———

 

allisonhargreeves_official @ WHERE THE FUCK IS DAVE: Guys you know this virus?

ghostgreeves: What

stabbykraken: ?????

emoghost: Oh yeah kind of

allisonhargreeves_official: Does no one watch the news here?

ghostgreeves: I don’t have a tv

allisonhargreeves_official: there is a pandemic occurring

ghostgreeves: Oh

                      Wow

allisonhargreeves_official: We’ve been told not to be in close contact with other people

ghostgreeves: :o

allisonhargreeves_official: the city’s just gone into quarantine

stabbykraken: Quarantine?

                       Like you’re not meant to leave your house?

allisonhargreeves_official: As in you’re not allowed to leave your house unless it’s absolutely necessary

stabbykraken: But I’m in Klaus’s apartment

allisonhargreeves_official: You can probably drive home but public transport is down

stabbykraken: .

                       I didnt bring my car

allisonhargreeves_official: Well you can walk right? Just stay six feet away from people

ghostgreeves: uh

stabbykraken: according to google maps it would only take me nine hundred and thirteen hours to walk to the ring

                       wait

                       that s

                       too many hours

                       klaus

                       where are we

ghostgreeves: that’s a surprise

stabbykraken: Ok if you break down 913 it’s not so bad

xXfivehargreevesuwubeanXx: it is 38 days of continuous walking

                                             You’re going to have to stay there

stabbykraken: HOW DID I EVEN GET HERE

ghostgreeves: Unclear

stabbykraken: WHY DON’T Y O U KNOW

allisonhargreeves_official: Why were you even in Klaus’s apartment in the first place?  


ghostgreeves: He wanted the smunchy allison

stabbykraken: My hubris was too great

                       No man can handle the smunchy without consequences

emoghost: guysy

stabbykraken: SHUt up ben there are more IMPORTANT THINGS

emoghost: GUYS

                  I’M IN HERE TOO

ghostgreeves: WHAT 

                      HOW

                      WHEN

emoghost: You shouldn’t have brought up smunchy!

vanya_violin: Hey 

stabbykraken: Oh no

                       Oh god

vanya_violin: I’m so sorry

stabbykraken: NOT YOU TOO

vanya_violin: He brought up smunchy I’m so sorry!

xXfivehargreevesuwubeanXx: So Klaus’s apartment is a transatlantic void with four people in it, none of whom have a car with them

ghostgreeves: Yes

xXfivehargreevesuwubeanXx: Great!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello quarantine is not very interesting so here, take this


End file.
